the hitchhiker's guide to italy.

Such a perfect Italy trip, you say? It was! Thankfully we had some entertaining mishaps along the way too so we aren’t in debt to fate too much for hookin’ it up.

Also thankfully for you because now I can teach you all from first-hand experiences how to confront such Italian traveler’s dilemmas!

Scenario 1: You arrive in Venice only to find the lights in your hostel are turned off. On your walk there, some of the stores were closed. It appears to be a siesta sort of thing. Naturally, you go get some pizza. When you ask the pizza lady about this seeming siesta she tells you things open back up at 3:30. So you wait in front of the hostel until 3:30…4:00. There is no sign of life at your already booked and paid for hostel.

Uh Oh.

What to do: Pay 2 euro for only 15 minutes of Internet at like the only Internet café in Venice. When you check your email you will find out that three days ago (when you didn’t have computer access because you were traveling) the hostel emailed and said they all of a sudden had to close. We regret to inform your reservation can no longer be held because we are sketch. Thank you for your understanding. Next, walk around for an hour with your giant backpacks in the most expensive Italian city and attempt to find a place to stay. Give in and pay 100 Euro for a hotel. When you get home check to make sure Motel Sketch reimbursed you.

Scenario 2: You have a flight booked from Venice back to Rome from where you will fly home. You ask the receptionist at the fancy hotel you were forced to pay for how to get to the airport. You hike to the bus she tells you and buy the tickets for the appropriate time. At the spot where the bus is supposed to be it’s not. You ask another bus driver and find out that bus just decided not to come today. The next bus is after the time your flight leaves.

Uh Oh.

What to do: Stand awestruck (as if you haven’t seen enough of how Europe operates by now) and frustrated and try to figure out if it is cheaper to miss flight to Rome and go by train or to pay for taxi all the way to small airport to try and make the flight. You will then conveniently be approached by a Californian girl from UCSB who is studying abroad in London and her visiting boyfriend, as well as a New Zealand girl, a girl from New Mexico, and a native Italian girl who conveniently studied abroad last year in Australia and thus speaks English. They are all conveniently in the same situation as you! While you talk about what to do, the bus driver of the bus that is not yours will then back into a metal sign pole almost killing you all. After that, the Italian girl will talk to random lady with a van in the parking lot. She will offer to take you all to the airport in her random van for 17 Euro each. Sweet!

Scenario 3: Because your last experience didn’t teach you, you ask the hostel receptionist in Rome how to get to the airport for your flight home. She tells you the bus, which you get on. You ask the bus driver like a good traveler if he goes to Fumiccino Airport. Si. After a while you ask which stop is the airport. The last one. Jerk. You get off and hike back to the stop you should have gotten off at. You don’t see the airport but you start following the signs toward it...the car signs. The sidewalk ends and the road really is just for cars. It eventually takes you to a curved merge onto a highway with absolutely no pedestrian space. The bus went to Fumiccino the area not the actual Fumiccino airport. You are stuck in the middle of three fields, one restaurant, and two closed auto shops in rural Italy where no one speaks English with a flight home out of an airport you cant get to in like an hour.

Uh Oh.

What to do: Attempt to hitchhike. When that doesn’t work, start walking toward where you think a main street is. Ask a random guy at a random little gas station if you can pay him to drive you. When that doesn’t work, keep walking with your giant backpacks. Run into the Italian version of Wal-Mart and (crying) explain to lady at the information desk in a combination of English/hand gestures/Spanish (hey, closer to Italian than English/Italian verbs you know that you need to call a taxi to get to the airport. When she nicely dials the number for you she will idiotically hand you the phone...as if you will be able to speak Italian to the taxi operator you just weren't able to with her. Look at her with a look that says are you kidding me?/please help! She will take back the phone and talk to the taxi operator for you. Wait out front of Italian superstore for taxi. Pay 20 Euros and arrive at airport in time for flight.

Printed 2010 Macbook Air Press; Madrid. Copyright Don & Alyssa Inc.